being brave

 

i shall leave this here. i will update you after the storm is over. 

COURAGE KIND OF YEAR

Remember BLESSING? My 2020 word for the year which was coined with my limited human brain thinking it would be a year of new clients, new business ventures oh well let's just say financial abundance. Then 2020 year turned out to be a surprise new baby blessing! We were all super thrilled to have Euan that year, we couldn't perceive pandemic without this cute little guy. My perceived definition of blessing is way way minuscule than the blessing God wanted me to have.

Fast forward December 2023, I was thinking would BRAVE be okay? Parang bitin? How about TAKING RISKS? Hmmm two words. That's when COURAGE came. It will encompass being brave and taking risks. Hopefully it will give me strength to face new challenges 

• as I take on my new role as the finance head of our community church organization
• as I apply for the new accounting accreditation, something that I was not confident to apply before
• as I start a new project and hopefully get more clients to expectantly generate more income for me to be able to help build up funds for the kids especially for Thea

Guess what? God has a different way of making me courageous. Get some popcorn you guys...

So January 5, came, cold Tagaytay weather gave us cold/flu. I called for online consult for an RX antibiotics. The doctor said if it re occurs I need to go to see a doctor face to face. End of January I got it again and I had chills and fever, so I went to see an ENT doctor hoping he will give me meds for my throat. 

The secretary ordered an endoscopy. hhhhmmm why would the secretary order an endoscopy when the doctor hasnt even seen me. But I obliged and went to the hmo office and had it approved. After 3 hours of waiting outside the clinic I went in. The doctor scolded the sec and said she shouldnt have ordered endoscopy but should have ordered something else (the procedure I can't remember anymore), the sec then said she will change the procedure. Then he examined my throat and said never mind we will just continue with it. During that time my mind was racing... something feels off but oh well let's just get over with it and go home. He then proceeded with the endoscopy. After which he told me to sit down and showed me the result.

While sitting down he said "I have bad news for you." Yan mismo walang labis walang kulang ha yan mismo verbatim ang sinabi nya. the next line di ko na sure kung verbatim pero this is how I remember it - Ano work mo? Accountant po. Expose ka ba sa chemical? Hindi po work from home po ako. May cancer ba sa pamilya? Grandparents ko po. 

Mind started to accelerate dun pa lang sa I have bad news for you pero nung sinabi nya may cancer ba sa pamilya - nag stop bigla ang mundo . Pasok Mareng Moira "At tumigil ang mundo nung ako'y tinuro mo"...

He showed me my endoscopy video and explained that there was a suspicious mass in my nasopharynx. He explained that he believes that everything happens for a reason and my being there and undergoing endoscopy was pre-destined. I still couldnt believe what I was hearing but after what I went through being an autism-mom I think mas naging matapang ako to face this kind of situation. So I asked for the worst case scenario and the plan of action. Super brave face - look ma no tears!!! He said worst case Radiotherapy and surgery, he said not to go there yet but we need to do the biopsy asap. He will be out of the country 2nd week of Feb so we neeeded to do it right away as in a week after. So I said okay let's do this and asked for additional reminders - bring cash daw coz Maxicare doesnt usually cover the whole procedure, that it will be done in another clinic - the reason I can't remember coz I couldnt understand, he said I should cooperate as he doesnt want me to interupt him while he's doing the procedure. RIght there I asked if it is better if I am sedated coz during the endoscpy he kept telling me n 'dont do that - wag mo gawin yan" - and I couldnt understand what he is saying - he said I was blocking his view - take note that he was looking inside my nose how on earth can I block his view so I tried several ways of breathing through my mouth and yeah he just scolded me back because that's not the way he wanted it - eh how will I know nga!

Here's the mass found in the nasopharynx - the white mass shouldn be there. The video captured it more clearly as in andun sya when the scope went through both nostrils.

Okay comedy muna, sabi nga pala nya sabihin mo KUKU, so I said kukuuuuuuuuu yung parang sa clock, sabi nya NO NO kuku lang, sabi ko "kuku kuku kuku" yung parang ibon naman na makulit , sabi ulit nya "kuku lang" ayun gets ko na so i said "kuku" ayan ok na kami! So get's nyo na? Di nya muna kasi inexplain tapos papagalitan nya ko during the procedure!!! malay ko ba kung anong kuku ang gusto nya?  hahaha. So gets nyo din ba bakit hesitant ako to do the awake endoscopy with him after he told me that I need to cooperate and do what I was told? How would I know if the inside of my nose is not blocking his view? May seminar ba nun? My eyes easily gets teary when I'm in pain so ofcourse after poking my nose, I had tears which I tried to swipe. He then said, Bakit ka gumaganyan? I said " masakit po eh" He replied " mag tissue ka!" All the while I am polite naman pero di lang siguro kami magka wave ni Doc. (Or maybe he needs communication training?) I asked if it can be done sedated just like nung I had my colonoscopy - he was hesitant and he prefers gising. Delikado daw and madami pang clearance ang kailangan to do it. So I said okay let's schedule it. Knowing I can do it - I gave birth naturally 3 times what else can I not take?

While I was preparing for biopsy - bloodworks, ultrasound etc I kept thinking of asking for a second opinion. My husband said he thinks this is not serious, he said kulangot lang yan. My sisters says it's just "maning kalbo" yung pinasok ko sa ilong ko nung bata ako - alam nyo yung expo, oo nilagay ko sa ilong ko yun, baka daw may naiwan lang ;D So to help them (us) view the situation ng medyo light - I said if worst scenario at need ng surgery papatangos ko na ng konti ilong ko and bawasan din ng konti. 

I went to another doctor and she confirmed that per endoscopy - I have the copy - a biopsy is needed. Urgency is necessary. She explained that it might not be malignant but we need to check immediately. In short - Cancer at nasopharynx shouldnt be taken lightly. It is in the skull and near the brain so we need to take the mass out right away to diagnose correctly and do what needs to be done asap. 

okay water and wiwi break muna kayo .... do bi do bi do ba do bi do bi do ba perry...

So yun na nga...

I am more comfortable with the new doctor. She prefers that I am sleep so she can take out all the mass, she said if I am awake , it will be very uncomfortable for me and blood will drip eventually and it will be more manageable if done sedated.

 I also went to an Endocrinologist - yes madami ako pinuntahan para masure. I scheduled both the ENT and Endo not knowing that they knew each other and that they partner in doing this procedure. Oh di ba parang tinadhana. So she said, yes I have something on my thyroid but she needs the thyroid hormone re-examined coz "she says" hi precision has better machine to detect this kind of irregularity. My previous result showed high volumes for both T3 and T4 which is contradictory because it both indicates hyperthyroidism and hypo. Saturday I was able to redo the exam. I had to ask several people for prayers because I needed to book a room asap at the hospital if I get cleared biopsy will be done Tuesday morning. Sunday night I was clear and I booked a room and said I am on a waiting list.

You see the timing? It was thursday when I went to my ENT and she told me I needed the ultrasound and xray done right away so I can show it to the ENDo next day for clearance. It was Caleb's intrams day (another kwento for the Mr Intrams thing), I was going back and forth to Bulacan SPorts Complex and Sacred and Hi Precision and St Vincent Clinic. Buti nanalo Mr Intrams ko :D

Anyhoo, I got cleared by the Endo Sunday, ENT asked me to book, but there was still no room . I was like "Lord can you make this a little easy?" And He was like,"I will let you experience this so you can write a novela on your blog and tell your friends and families how awesome your God is". So Monday (day of admission) we were waiting and waiting for Sacred to call, 12pm I called and asked for the nth time - no room, by 5;30 a call came and a room opened for us! 

Sacred HEart at 6:45-7:45pm I was at the admitting section and they cannot take me in because HMO hasnt confirmed yet if included and procedure. I told them I already called but they wanted to make sure. HASSLE!!! The past 8 days was busy, and it seems like everything doesnt go my way. Finally Alvin signed a waiver if HMO doesnt pay he will. 

We got in the room and wala pillow!!! I was supposed to bring pillows and blanket but I thought hindi na tuloy. WHen my fone rang, I said ligo muna ko and we were rushing na after - thus I left the pillow and blanket and my jacket. So buti pinagdala kami ni Ate La ng tiny pillow as in tiny, ako I used the bag full of clothes. I said ok na ito bukas uuwi din naman tayo.

Ooooh did I mention the nurse couldnt put an IV. She tried several times and then when she finally did, the vein burst and she needed to do it again. As she went back to the nurse's station I messaged my ENT if pwede next day na ang IV. She agreed and my hand was free of needles until 6am next day.

Next day, biopsy day, I was wheeled to the OR around 7:30 for the 8am operation. Prior that my BP was 120/80. Nung nasa OR na 170 na daw!!! Sabi ni doc o Emma kinakabahan ka! Alam mo yung nakahiga ka dun, tapos may 2 malaking ilaw tapos mga machines sa paligid? 

You know di ako kinakabahan eh, ewan I was really brave! Go lang sa procedure, if may makita then go. Takot ba ako - aba syempre may takot. But I needed to be strong for my kids, my husband and my family. 

I got intubated and was under GA. I woke up past 9am. And a happy call from my doctor woke me up! Hi Emma gising ka na? Good news! Di kami nagbiopsy kasi wala kaming nakitang mass. I cannnot grasp the situation. I just cried and cried because I knew God took it away - the mass, my worries and fears. The head nurse told me I need to stop crying, coz they cant help crying too.

Here's the pic taken with a bigger machine in an operating room with a huge monitor to check whatever is inside our body. It is super clear! no trace of scar or mass.

What a journey no? Looking back parang ang dami daming nangyari ng 2024 and hindi pa nga tapos ang 1st quarter. I started writing this Feb 19, ano ng petsa ngayon March 7 na! So I will end this here, my God is bigger than any of my problems. He is a Father indeed. A loving Father at that, He who gave His son to us, what can He not give/do for me, for you?

May my miracle story reminds us always to put our trust in the Lord. That no matter how big the obstacle, we can rely on God's promises and grace.

10 Rules of Borrowing

This was published last May 3, 2023 and updated again today January 18 2024. 

1. Borrowing a car - make sure you fill up the gas at the same level (better if more or full tank) when you borrow it. I heard a complaint before, na masungit si xxx kasi pag manghihiram ka kailangan mo pa i-carwash and lagyan ng gasolina. My take, kung hiniram mo at nadumihan mo it's your duty na linisin yun, yung gasolina/diesel na nagamit mo tama lang na ibalik mo sa dati. You would have paid for a fare have you taken a taxi. 

2. Borrowing make up - I think for mascara, eyelash curler and eye liner borrowing them is safe. But for foundation, blush on, lipstick hmm no no siguro. If you are super close, siguro pwede pero kung hindi naman and may zits ka na visible, better use or buy your own.

3. Borrowing books - use a bookmark and do not put crease on the page, never never highlight and write on the book. Ask if you need to return it back asap, do not assume you can borrow it as long as you like or borrow until you finish it because you never know if you can really finish reading it.

4. Borrowing tools - this I need to take note as well as I am likewise guilty.  Everytime you borrow a tool, say wrench - take a picture and send the lender that you borrowed such and will return it to xx date. Once you return it, take a picture and a proof so that you will remember, make sure you send the picture to the owner for trail. It's really hard to find a tool when you don't know who borrowed it and if they returned it. It's sometimes even embarrasing to ask if the tool is with them or not. We have 2 drills now because we did not know who borrowed the first one and where exactly is it. We borrowed a tool for the car before and returned it, then a family member borrowed it again - we didnt know about it until the owner asked for it. Kakahiya kasi we said we returned it already but he said xxx borrowed it again

5. Borrowing phone or laptop - do not browse their photos or read their messages. If you are too curious, at least ask for permission. Do not go in their FB account and post things that they wouldnt post. I don't know why some of this generation likes posting a message in their friends FB wall, you should know your boundary or if you are the one they hacked - at least let them know that you don't want that again. Say NO! haaaays, They often cry out for privacy, consent, body shaming, equality and all the churvaloo and that's fine we get you, but then you also do stuff like posting without permission, taking vids of other people for fun - come on guys this social media thing made most a slave for likes and following. Nako naman ang layo na sa borrowing of phone and laptop pero ramdam mo ko?

6. Borrowing shoes, or any article of clothing - siblings are always guilty with this one. They usually borrow clothes/shoes from their bro or sis without permission. While this is okay for some, some are very picky with their clothes. If your feet smell, or your ua smells  - skip from borrowing things - just wear your own clothes/shoes. I got other kwento her but .... i'm tired.

7. Borrowing oil, patis, soysauce, vinegar or anything in the pantry - ask first if they will need it for their food. Grabe ka naman if you borrow all the garlic and ang plan pala nila lutuin ay Adobo.

8. Borrowing name for loan - or co borrowing is a NO NO. You should never ever ask someone to co borrow for you, nor let anyone make you a co borrower. Why? Watch K-dramas na lang baka dun makita mo why most people got bankrupt or remain poor even when they are really working hard to earn. If religious naman, look up Proverbs 11:15.

9. Borrowing for Business, for investment, for something that will yield in return - way back my rule here is to invest only your excess. But I learned in financial economics class that a negative cash flow can yield positive when used in business the right way. So borrowing for business is not really bad. But borrowing without studying the business itself is a huge risk. If you just want to join your friends who are already earning, e.g. crypto, pyramid, nft, this can lead to a big problem. Banks and loan sharks have high interest rates, surcharges and penalties once you missed payments. So be very very careful. 

10. Borrowing money - pay back as soon as possible. ASAP doesnt mean paying after your leisure trip to Batanes or wherever. Pay even if you really really want to have that IPhone 14 because all of your friends have it. Pay even if it means you need to work double. Pay even if it has been years since you borrowed the money. Put some interest if possible because if he didnt lend it to you, it would have earned an interest at least. Pay in installment if paying it whole is too hard. Pay even if the lender doesnt seem to need it now, because that's not how it should be. Just Pay.

2023

 It's April already. How can I describe the first quarter of the year... hmmm let me think.

Me and Alvin went out on an end of December to close the year with a date. Vista Tala is beautiful, but like all of the places we've been, we always survey it first before taking our family especially Thea. While it is a nice place to go, surrounded by nature, colder and a pool with mountain view, we can't take the family there because the parking is a bit far from the lodging. The walkway's slope is steep for Nanay's aching knees, plus the stairs to reach the rooms would cause additional burden. So it is an X for the family but it would be good for dates. 

January came and I still don't have my word for the year. I looked into all my previous words - excel, blessing, strong, more, but I couldn't come up with an appropriate word. Until the plan for the cafe didn't push through, I then decided that the most appropriate word for me this year would be TRUST from Proverbs 3:5-6 

And like a test, everyone started getting sick - I had a flu, Euan and Leb had it too then Ate followed.  For some, January was too long but mine was short. February was a challenge because Alvin got the bug albeit not serious some other issues arose. Several visits to doctors and they still can't figure out what's wrong - after all the tests and scans what worked were (just) vitamin B12 and thydin  (saging pa more) :D Going to doctors is a must, but we really need to go to the right doctor so we would get well and diagnosed correctly. The last doctor is good albeit mataray and konting sungit but we were grateful to have met her. 

Also it was Feb when everyone got stomach flu, una muna si Caleb, tapos si Ate then si Euan na! When it was Euan's turn tuloy tuloy suka and nanghina na sya so we needed to rush him to the hospital, they inserted an IV to replenish lost fluids. It was super super heartbreaking to see him crying while nurses inserted the needle, grabe saksak puso yun ang sakit sakit para sa mommy heart ko. I even doubted myself kasi baka di naman need tapos hinayaan ko magka trauma anak ko. The doctor said he needed that because madaming nawalang fluid, his lips were still cracked and dry. While there, I felt my stomach churn too, Alvin felt it too. Haaay so everyone got it and we suspected the water and the broken sink pipes, and the food that we ate, lahat na. (The only one who didnt get stomach flu was our kasambahay Ate Tess, who had severe toothache a week before and was on antibiotics when all this happened ). After the hospication, we only drank distilled water, changed the sink pipes and cleaned everything. After 2 weeks we were back to drinking purified water (delivered by the gallon) and we're all good. Hooray for Maxicare and Erceflora.

It was also Feb when Nanay Dolores got ER'd for hypertension and Kuya ped got hospitalised for 2 weeks due to appendicitis. Kung meron suntok everytime may ma-oospital sa amin baka knock out na si Alvin. With God's help and all the prayers from loved ones and friends we were able to survive the chaos of February and face March anticipating blessings and joy!

March was like RESET. We really pleaded for deliverance and that God to finally release us and let us rest and enjoy the summer. Guess what? March is like unwrapping a gift, so many good and fun things transpired, He gave us time to enjoy nature, time to bond as a family, time to relax. Time - a very valuable thing we possess, once given to someone you cannot take it back. It is a rare commodity that many people neglect and just use it on non essential things and then calling them self love. (Self love is not wrong but too much self love is.)

here's what happened last march

• Subic Funtastic Park - a 3D park  http://funtasticpark.com/ it felt like an exclusive trip wala kami kasama sa loob :D 
• Subic Blue Turtle Cove - the two young boys got to enjoy the sand albeit medyo malansa daw sabi ni Alvin, me and the boys still enjoyed our time
• 3.14 we got Terry Pi Picache aka Vera 
• The Manor for 2D1N
• Zero Meralco bill
• Early April was our family day at Happy Place Vacation Home at Angeles City - happy memories were made    

(Will try to load the videos here but for now narrative muna :)

Thank you dear Lord for the good and the not so good things that happened. Help us to always trust in Your plans and ways.