kudos

These are my way of saying thanks to the many great men and women who have touched my life. They may or may not know me yet I want them all to know that their life is much appreciated.

To my best friends, Geng and Rhea, elementary and high-school years would not be that great without you. My memories of my young years would never be that fun. Special mention to my brothers from Tropang Kap! The feeling of belongingness a young girl could wish was best given by these supportive kuyas. Couldn’t forget that one time when my family cant give me money for our field trip, The tropa and my two besties chipped in so I may be able to come. Love you guys, mwaaah.

To my church and to the many pastors who led it. Them who have inculcated the Christian faith in me, thank you. My GIRMYWAP mates with whom I shared lots of Sunday School, retreats, fellowships, prayer meetings and lots of fun times! To Minette and Udette, my two Jonathans in my broken hearted moments, I will always be indebted to you. You were the angels God used to help me recover faster than I could ever imagine. My Sunday kinder school teachers, the late ate Beth and ate Esther, who were fond of calling me celebrity names I like, Sundays could never be sooo fun. I will always be your little Snooky or Shawy. To Kuya/Tito/Teacher Oscar, the GIRMYWAP’s ever reliable teacher our mentor in every way, namaste.

To my dear family, who had taught me the values of love, patience, trust and perseverance, I love you. They are my motivation and reason for my dreams. Maraming maraming salamat, Nanay and Tatay. Words will never be enough to express my gratitude. Their trust which we’ve always valued are very important to me and my siblings. And though we may have failed them in many ways they are still there to support us and give us a hand, I think that’s understated, they not only give us a hand they give their all to help us stand. Thank you, thank you so much. Mwah mwah! To Ate Mai and Ate Leng, who have shared their lives and resources to help Nanay and Tatay raise me up. To Ate La, whom I shared lots of secrets, laughter, and emo moments and who taught me many ‘kalokohan’ (hehe), labyu!

written last august 8 2006, was not posted then because its not yet finished, its still unfinished but nonetheless published today just because...

To my officemates, my college friends and barkada, to everyone I met. Thank you. The joy, pain, laughter and tears we've shared make me a better person. This doesnt mean I appreciate you less, I just don't have enough time to enumerate all of you then. If in time kudos part 2 will ever be written, I'll make sure I wont go tired of writing the names of everyone who had made my life more meaningful =)

take me far far away

yun nga take me far far away

last night i talked to God and He answered

I don't own an IPOD. I am not keen in turning on the radio nor watching MTV. I refuse to hear anything when I wake up. I like it quiet. I like it still. I didn't know why 'till last night.

I was late for the Praise and Worship but just in time for the message, "Loneliness". So there i sat and told myself, how appropriate Lord. Only God can humor me like that.

Then Coach blank (sorry I cant remember her name) adlibs and said, young adults usually say "Lord, mamamatay ako kung wala sya. Hindi ko kaya." with matching emote pang awards. Funny how she says that in a funny way but in reality many people do say that right? Then she said, the line "U cannot live without a person" is a lie the world wants us to inculcate in our brains so as to conceal the truth that we can do live without them. Why do the world need to lie anyway? Its the way of the world dear, it is how it is. Ponder this: How did Abraham managed to live when he was called to leave everything behind him (family, possession, society)?

The truth really is this "We can live without a person but we can't live without God."

So there I sat and listened, sang and prayed. I was happy being there.

I usually take a cab on my way to boarding house. Last night, I opt to take the not so comfy path which is to walk through Greenbelt 1 to 3 to Landmark then Glorietta then SM finally FX. But the story is not about the long walk but about the quietness I had during the time I've walked and talked with God.

It was not a quiet night. Gigs are everywhere and Makati, particularly Greenbelt is busy. There was free band at Greenbelt 4, not so free band in the Tavern(they've changed name but I cant recall) whose songs are loud enough to hear by those outside, taxi honking at Makati Ave, super loud noise from men drilling the drainage (maybe preparing for the rainy days).

Amidst all the noise my heart is quiet, my soul is still. While walking I talked to God and told Him everything. My plans, my hopes, my desires, my heartaches, my all. I said, 'Oh God give me a guwapong boyfriend now na' hehe kidding. I told Him that my heart is still in pain and asked Him to somehow make me feel better. I knew God heard me but the pain didn't subside. I guess He wants me to go through it, to experience it, the wound, the scar. And though in pain, His peace remains in my heart.

God has given me peace through it all. He has reminded me that He is in control. So I walk through the noise quietly, contradicting but true. It was such a release. I have been making myself busy, trying to fill my mind with thoughts too many, entertaining all the noise that my mind can tolerate. But then it is not how God works.

Last night, He emptied my mind from troubles then he filled my heart with love.

survey

1) Single, Taken, or Crushing?
SINGLE

2) Are you happy with where you are at right now?
you choose to be happy, right?

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
No. I don’t fall actually. Love is a choice. My mistake is that I’ve chosen to fall in love too. nyek

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
oh yes

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
NO. Period.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Relationship depends on the commitment of two person to make the it work. Trust is not something you ask for it is something you earn. Back to the question, it actually depends on how much I love the person and how true his intentions are. Loving must be unconditional right? But there’s this hard process to take him back. In summary, it’s still between the couple to make it work, not just one.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Ahh yes.

8) Do you want children?
Who doesn’t? I really don’t get Jen Aniston.

9) How many?
2 or 3

10) Would you consider adoption?
would want to. just that I hope me and my husband will have extra money for that

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?
As in now? I’m not even ready. I don’t know really. When it happens it happens. ask me again next month!

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Enjoy? I don’t enjoy the thrill. I just don’t want to plunge into a relationship so fast coz I’m scared that it will end fast too.

13) Do you want someone you can't have?
I did want someone. Pero not anymore. It doesn’t make me happy, so why continue.

14) Do you believe in love at first sight exists?
No.

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Yes. Come on, they give zest to your relationship. Duh.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
No. The choice to change lies in the person itself. But in the long run, maybe you can inflict ideas, values and belief but it is still their choice if they want to accept it.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money's not an object, where would it be?
My view of getting married never change through time. I wanted it simple church “Gatbuca” wedding.

18) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
what feelings? =P

19) Have you ever wished you could have someone but you couldn't?
many times.

20) Have you ever broken a heart?
I don't know. Siguro. Sorry...

take your time, butterfly

my 5 year old swatch watch retired last friday. the hook of the bracelet snapped. the hook serves as a connection between the bracelet and the watch (so kahit bumili ng new bracelet wala ng paglalagyan). it can't be a wristwatch any longer.

the watch itself still runs smoothly. the time is still accurate, it's face is still beautiful. but it will not function the way it should be. i couldnt place it on my wrist anymore, there'd be no bracelet to bind it. no connection.

i told my sister we could turn it into a chain watch, eventhough its not meant to be a chain i think it can be transformed into something more than just a wristwatch.

parang life din. sometimes a part of you will just snap. connections will be cut off. but there's more to life than being an old you. a new you will emerge. metamorphosis will transpire.

you just cannot dwell on something that can no longer happen, that will no longer work. you have to develop the ability to adopt to certain changes that come your way. be it big or small, it really doesnt matter. God will see you through.

so take your time. relax. don't jump hastily. slow down.

"Guard your heart for it will affect everything you do." Proverbs 4:23

praying for a rainbow

if i were to rate myself my "weathering the storm" entry would get the best entry award!
it's candid, full of emotions, funny yet pretty inspiring! i wrote it july last year almost a year from now na. how fast time flies no? tanda ko na pala. =) but its ok, i've aged well i guess.

and "four" entry naman tells how honest i am about how i feel. pretty fun to answer surveys like that, especially when you know there may be certain questions that are so you.

it's nice going back to the things you've done and compare then and now. however, you must not make it pull you down but instead let those experiences make you a better person.

my july 2006 posts

mag-shift na ko ng career! i wanna be a writer!

boredom repost form jenny

Is your hair up?
>>> no

your phone right beside you?
>>> yes

wish you were somewhere else?
>>> yes

Do you have plans for tonight?
>>> solve my stat/prob assignment other than that wala na. (i don't even know if i'll be able to solve it. lutang kasi utak ko last tuesday sa class eh, waaaaah pakopya!)

Are you wearing makeup?:
>>> blush on, powder and eye liner. yes.

Are you wearing chapstick?:
>>> yes

Are you cold?:
>>> no. mainit sa pinas.

Are you tired?
>>> no. more like nervous for tom's class

Are you excited?
>>> no

Are you wearing pajamas?
>>> mainit nga

Who’s the last person that called you?
>>> yung barker sa may sakayan, sabi nya "oy, umusog-usog naman kayo dyan" wahaha

Who is your last text message from?
>>> alvin

PAST:

Anything you regret?
>>> none. didn't i say regrets do not help us, instead held us captives

Ever stuck gum under a desk?
>>> nope

Ever spit at someone?
>>> bastos yun

Ever kicked something living?
>>> ung pusa sa likod namin kasi ang kulet ayaw umalis eh may galis sinipa ko. =(

Ever had your nails done?
>>> yep. not successful though

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?
>>> no. but i did cry so hard i couldn't breathe. tapos na yun, congrats me!

LAST WEEK:

Had any plans last week?
>>> i did. but it was totally blown up. i don't know why. can't remember. i have alzheimers already.

Who did you see most last week?
>>> oooops. what do you mean last week. may selective amnesia ako eh

Was last week interesting?
>>> a big big NO

TODAY:

Have you cussed?
>>> nope.

Have you yelled at someone?
>>> nope

Have you cried?
>>> nope. galing!

First thing you did this morning?
>>> prayed.

Last thing you ate?
>>> suha

What’s something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?
>>> school mostly

Last cd you bought?
>>>mig ayesa

Do you believe in long distance relationships?
>>> swak! boundaries are nothing between two committed and loving hearts. period.

Have you been cheated on?
>>> ano ba to jenny.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?:
>>> i think so. yung mga pamangkin ko, nanay & tatay ko... =P

Do you wish on stars?
>>> yep. sob sob

Does it work?
>>> dont know. i don't actually hold on to it. i just want to make that gesture kasi it makes me feel young.

When was the last time you cried?
>>> sat night.

Do you like your handwriting?
>>> uhmmmmm

Are you a friendly person?
>>> i guess so

Are you keeping a secret from the world?
>>> don't we all?

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
>>> my bed

What is the color of your bedsheets?
>> blue with lots of animal prints, pangbaby ba

What were you doing at 11 last night?
>>> watching daddydidodu

Last person you talked to:
>>> officemate

Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
>>> yep

Song that makes you sad?
>>> bahay kubo

Are you a normally happy person?
>>> yep

Is your self-esteem low?
>>> nope. won't allow it.

What color are your eyes?
>>> black

Long or Short Hair?
>>> long

Current Music?
>>> silence

life is beautiful... if you only see it with clear eyes

me and my new notebook! when you wish, wish big time!

pretty lara beautious noreen ang gorgeous moi


bunso of corplan and bunso ni nanay

ganda ba ng mga pics? ayos no! kasama ko ang mga super good looking friends. am i allowed to tell where? hehe. nasa background naman no? basahin nyo na lang. mwaaah mwaaah! twas a good day! life is sweet too!)

moving on!

Hypothesis Ha:
There is no way i'm gonna make myself miserable over somebody who does not value me much. Therefore I will do things better to make my days more meaningful.
Hypothesis Ho:
Pride will tell me not to give up. Therefore I will succumb to misery until i die.

Ano sa palagay nyo? Eh di sa HA na ko di ba? Ho is the hypothesis when u fail to do the right things, it is null.

Moving on is not something you will wait for. It is something you will decide upon. Life has its ups and downs. When your down you have to keep on working hard to get up.
Live your life to the fullest, yeah!
"Live" is a verb. Verb means it takes action.
"Your" means the phrase is talking to the person himself. Others cannot make you live your life to fullest, none will happen if you didnt choose to live it.
"Fullest" means to the max! to the bones! and to every drop of blood and sweat of your body! No boundaries, no walls!

With God everything will be well. I just have to trust Him more this time. I shall not make any move. He will make my path clear.

"Honey" can be sour sometimes

Pooh loves it.( Question: what is pooh's gender?)
I loved it. Take note on the tense. Loved. Meaning past. I still do but I will eventually learn to unlove it. Love is a choice, ayt? See my post for valentines dayLove is a choice: to quote i said there: it is a choice to keep a relationship; it is a choice to make it work; it is a choice to love

then in another entry i quoted joe d mango:

The reason why we refuse to let go of a person we love is because we
are afraid to be alone. But if that person doesn’t love us, then being with
him or her doesn’t make any difference. We would have someone beside us, but
still be alone. The real essence of a relationship lies in the commitment of
two people, and not just one. It lies in the basic foundation of love that is
shared by two and not just felt by one. You simply
cannot be happy with a man who loves someone else. Do not allow yourself to be
a prisoner of your own desires. Let us always remember that it is in giving
and not in taking that we experience the real meaning of love. It is in loving
and not in wanting to be loved in return that we find real happiness.
by joe d mango

ouch

the entry is fully recycled. but i dont care. if i could do it last year i will definitely make it through again this time.

but for the benefit of tracking down the events in years to come. i will write an entry of how much pain he caused me and the reason i have to let him go. i won't publish it nga lang. for the reason that i am not successful on my choice to unlove him just yet. But I will definitely.

friends say i should be angry. that it is the only way to let go finally. but my heart can't make my mind do that.

Rather i should keep in mind what Erica told me "God saved you". Oh yes dear. Thanks much. She told me i'll just suffer more if i'd try to hold on. Love will find a way back to me, right Jecai?

Lastly, here's Udette's text:

When God takes something away from our grasp he's not punishing you but merely emptying your hands for you to receive something better.

Dear God, please make this pain go away pretty fast. But if You really want me to undergo such overhaul (again) maybe I better be ready. Just send me angels to rescue me when I'm about to give up. Thank you.

sleepy head

it's school time once again and i really have to study hard...harder... for me to continue my scholarship privilege.

but this book makes it hard for me.

book and sleeping pill in one

kung may big bird may little bird din!!!

the little bird, whom i named tweety, died last week, sylvester ate her. =(